The bane of my existence.

If you're like me, you have a love/hate relationship every time you look in the mirror.

In my case, it's always been my skin. Or really more the copious amounts of body hair I have.

For most of my life, I've had very thick amounts of body hair all over. No really, I mean most of my life. Since I was very small, I've always noticed that my neck, hands, shoulders, arms, legs, back, butt, chest, stomach, feet, even fingers and toes; always had a layer of curly dark hair. Hair that would be lighter or thinner or non-existant other children was dark, coarse and unsightly on me.  I was constantly made fun of by other (often white but not always) kids who had clear, smooth, hair-free skin. Do you know what it's like to go to a swimming pool and be mocked and called 'Chewbacca' by the other kids? Or how about parents/adults looking at your body with disgusted visages? Or being called a gorilla?

Most people never seem to get it, much less understand. Yes of course it happens to a lot of kids, and yes they too learn to deal with it. But in many ways it's a grim reminder to me that at times, life can be so unfair and much less unforgiving.

On the one hand, people in the racial background of mine seemed to have such a view of my skin ('Oh it's so light'. Or 'you have superior skin.' What they really liked was the color. That they could even SEE skin was a testament to my shaving  ). On the other hand, most outside too a more blunt view ('You look the color of shit.' was one of the nicer refrains I've gotten over the years). And then of course, I've been confused with being Greek, Italian, even Latino at times by many (the truth revealed by my honestly would almost always end any conversations, usually followed by a disgusted look from whomever I was dealing with).

Not to mention that wearing clothes to cover it helped much. That too was always uncomfortable due to the hair pulling on the insides of a shirt or pants or socks.

I hated showing any kind of skin in public - always have. Wearing t-shirts or shorts are embarrassing and deeply humiliating.

And it never got better when I got older. I hated the gym locker in high school. Any situation where my shirt or pants were being changed either out of, or in to, was met with snickers, grossed out faces, and general dislike. Of course it didn't help that I wasn't very good or popular at any kind of sport.

I always hated that refrain I heard, especially from women along the like s of 'having hair makes you look manly!' Yeah fuck you; you just like me looking like a fucking animal to make you feel better about yourself.

All of that was Part I of my life. But wait, it gets better.

So it should come as a surprise that by the time I reached my latter teenage years, I started shaving my body. First it was my private areas, but eventually expanded into pretty much everywhere. People must have thought I was some athlete (not that I looked like one). It was the only way I could feel good about myself. Of course, like anything good, it hardly ever lasted. Even when shaved, one could still see the hair follicle under the skin. The hair would always grow back fairly quickly. And then of course, ingrown hair sprout up everywhere. Of course, being shy and introverted, I've to this very day always kept myself covered up, even in the summer time when it's hot and humid.

But what astounds me is how fickle and unkind people can be. Especially women - On the one hand they revile it with such meanness - saying it's 'gay' (that the term is used a a pejorative speaks volumes about the people who utter it). On the other hand, women drool whenever they see an undrerwear model who's waxed smooth and clean, all women seem to love seeing a bodybuilder all shaven and wearing nothing by some skimpy underwear. The fact is, they like the smooth body (believe if there's any plus side to shaving, it's all the rather direct attention women give once they can be up close and personal).

But now it's reached the point where my body hair grows inconsistently on various parts of my body such that I get ingrown hairs pretty much all the time. It can mean going weeks without shaving now, and that's really uncomfortable physically and emotionally.

I tried various temporary and permanent methods - electric trimmers, razors, depilatories, lasers, regular razors (I was told early on don't try waxing).  Haven't tried electrolysis - maybe that's worth checking out?

So now I'm stuck. Growing back the hair will revert me to the Chewbacca days. Continuing forward means trying to find yet a new way to feel good about myself.