So today I attended a family event where we were all outdoors. It was a kid's event with other families.
A nice sunny windy spring day. One of the people clicked a ton of photos, linked them up to Facebook and tagged me in a bunch.
I then promptly saw them. I promptly removed all the tags. Removing the tags gave the the temporary feeling that I could believe I controlled how others see me. Then I realized that the pictures are still out there.
I have been depressed ever since.
It seems I've reached the point in my physical existence where no matter how much I try to deny it, I'm simply no longer as young and as appealing than I believed. Not that I believed I was really all that good-looking to begin with. But at least I thought I wasn't ugly and so forth.
Yeah I truly loathe getting old.
And no, don't give me any of that 'young-at-heart' shit. I've become a dad - heck I'm starting to look my my dad, except without the mustache. Hair falling out in all the wrong places, hair growing in all the wrong places, struggling to suck it in, stay as strong as I once was.
Being able to have a thick head of hair survive any kind of weather, being able to stand or pose in just about any way I wish without looking stupid or fat or so forth. Being so thin and studly, oh no not anymore.
What happened? Things weren't this bad five years ago? And on that subject, how did I become so vain?
Was it diet? Was it genetics? Was it the kids? Was it the lack of sleep? Was it the lack of fufillment in my career, my music, my goals, my dreams? All of those things? Something else? Some combination perhaps?
It's one of those days where I wish I could just shave my head, put on a baseball cap, move to some other part of the world, and begin life as someone else - Mr. I'm-not-me-anymore.
It seems I've also come to the sad realization that I can no longer control how I want to look to others. Everyone around me sees me as I have tried for so long not to see myself. And I've come to an even more depressing realization, they've seen me turn into this all this time, while I remained ignorant and blind to it.
No wonder people laugh at me everywhere I go. No wonder they don't take me seriously at work. I look really stupid. The whole day my son kept saying "Dad, don't be a fool." Likely he's known too all this time, and he's not even four years old.
Perhaps I knew that already. But for the longest time, I clung to the messed up notion that if I look at myself a certain way in the mirror everyday (and no other way) I still look good. That is, good enough to be fairly happy or content to face the world. This leads me to believe that it really isn't about actually looking good at all, but rather being confident in how I carry myself in that world. Even when I'd see not so flattering pictures of myself, I'd chalk it up to bad lighting, I'm standing the wrong way, no need to see the back of my head, no need to take a shot of my head, my top, my bottom, my middle, my attitude, my .. well you get the idea. Then laziness set in, and I comfortably settled back into my delusional thinking that how I see myself is how everyone sees me.
No. Reality and the Internet have finally crashed that. I've been confronted with how others see me. No wonder so many people laugh.
What do I do? Do I try to continue to live in my delusion that everyday, if I comb it right, if I suck it in, if I dream about another idea, then maybe I'll continue to feel happy about the way I look? I have to admit, being delusional has its charm and conveinience.
The problem is, it's going to become gradually harder and harder to maintain that illusion each day.
Of course, conventional wisdom says I should just accept who I am, or better still, come to terms with it. I could just shave my head, grow a goatee, yeah! Change - it'll do me good once I'm past all that ...
... yeah nothing says mid-life crisis more that changing my appearance.
Maybe I could just get a wig, or paint my scalp black, or wear extentions ... yeah ...
The thing is, I really take issue with this whole acceptance thing. There's nothing you can do, accept it. Well, how do you accept something you truly hate - the way you look?
I've always felt that when kids dislike the way they look, telling them to accept it is like trying to mix oil and water. It just won't work. It's really hard to avoid looking at yourself, and it becomes even more tougher to deal with it when you don't like what you see. How you can accept something you hate?
I always felt a better thing for that someone to do is confront what it is someone doesn't like about themselves, ask themselves what do they want to look like if they could. Then figure out if that's realistic. If it is, then ask, are you willing to make the committment to change, and accept the costs and the consequences? If so, then draw up a plan to get there and then make it happen. If not, then try and find something more closer to reality one can live with. Not knee-jerk acceptance, but not living in a delusion either.
Up till today I thought it should be that easy to tell someone in that situation just that. And yet, here I am in that situation. Why can't I move forward?
Probably because in addition to hating the way I look, I'm also truly afraid to really see myself. Maybe I'll cry. Maybe I'll become a total grump. I think it's the fear more than the hate that stops me from figuring this out.
I'd like to think the answer will just come right out. I have to grow up out of my delusion, before I can really face reality. In that sense, my delusion was rather naive and youthful.
But no, this is going to take some time to figure out.
In the meantime, back to my delusion. There is no Internet. I'll be 25 forever.
-- CV
