2014: End of year thoughts.

I'd like to say that this year was a whole lot better than last year.

And in some ways it was ...

... I finally caught up on my songwriting queue - in fact I not only caught up last year's, but even made the time to complete this year's as well. I got such good advice on how to effectively find time in the day to contemplate and capture and document - at least enough to call a song effectively written - that I'm actually considering for this coming year to see if I can complete two more releases of songs. It didn't hurt that I guess after last year, I was VERY inspired to write, and as it turned out, I not only completed a lot of unfinished songs, I also wrote a bunch of brand new tunes. And I have motivation in the coming year in that the next two releases have ideas I'm really looking forward to working on.

I also finally received some recognition this year for many years of smart work. It's nice to actually have some degree of respect from one's peers. Not that I'm an attention whore in that I constantly need to be told that I'm doing good work, but it's important to hear it from one's peers, management, and customers everyone once in a awhile. That and of course be rewarded for having a consistent track record in delivering. Granted that 'reward' feels like it was a few years overdue -it's far less than I expected, and there's far more to still get - but it's all part of the overall plan.

And that fucking dog finally bit the dust - you cannot imagine how much joy that brought me. No more dog hair all over everything. No more of my clothes smelling like dog shit. No more of that stupid sound it made, or having to constantly be angered when I found it up amongst everyone else where it didn't belong - because it never belonged there in the first place, and a mistake I'm not going to repeat. Such a stupid, untrustworthy beast that stunk like no tomorrow finally dropped dead. Yeah you can go on and on about how responsible I was as an owner - well fuck off! As far as I know, the only time it ever really went to the vet this year apparently, was to have its carcass disposed of (there's an irony in there somewhere). But apart from the lingering stench, life is a lot happier for me in that regard at home.

On the other hand, in a lot of ways it wasn't ...

... The mysterious issues I've had with various muscles and joints remains unresolved, and I've not had a decent work out in well, over a year. And presently I'm no closer to getting it figured out any time soon. To make matters worse, I've grown to really hate the US Health Care system and all its bureaucracy and all the endless amount of money I seem to be pouring into it, and getting essentially nothing out of it (well nothing solved at least).

And on the subject of health, there's appearance. The self-loathing I've acquired in the last couple of years about myself and how I look have only increased and magnified. But what has really ticked me off is how people around me just don't give a fuck about my feelings and concerns. It's like I'm not interested in being in your picture, so don't take my fucking picture - you didn't ask and I didn't give you permission. And I couldn't care less whether you are a friend, co-worker, or family. To me it really is a lack of respect for my feelings and wishes regardless of whether they are rational or not.  And I've never bought into this whole 'well put your feelings aside, get over it, think of this children' bullshit. I think in the New Year I'm going to be a lot more stricter about such things - can you tell I don't have a really good plan to deal with it. It's why I hate going to barber shops, any place with a mirror, being around people, etc. I'm not comfortable with how I look, and don't wish to compound that further with having others view me in even more unflattering mediums.

Then I'm slowing realizing that that the issues being experienced by someone in the family aren't really just us dealing with someone difficult or jerky - there really is a potential issue that will require some degree of medicinal and behavioral intervention. It's been distressing to me because all along and for some time I've felt there was some underlying issue that connected up the behavior and output, but what frustrates me even more (besides all the lost time) was that it took someone else outside the family to point it out, before any real action was taken. I guess in a way I've truly reached the point where I'm just plain sick and tired of having what I say about certain things being continually ignored or minimized, only to have those same certain things be treated seriously - when said by others.

The usual pending problems are still with us and have never gone away ...

And of course there's global warming, class inequality, endless racism, sexism, misandry ... seems like those just get worse and worse each year.

But I know I cannot change all of those things for the better unless I start with myself and those around me. And I can only do that by always remembering who and what I am and where I need to go.