That funny feeling

Do you ever get that feeling where it seems as though when someone talks to you or sends an email or sends you a text, that when you respond it's as if you evidently encoded it or spoke in some sort of coded fashion or just plain somewhat transferred a big pile of stinking shit; such that you never seem to ever hear back?

This is how my days have been. And the odd thing about it is - I've checked what I've written or done my best to recall what I've said to see just what exactly I put in there to make people simply not respond again.

And honestly - yes honestly - I can't find anything like that.

This seems to occur on a regular basis. And it's not just written or verbal communications ... no ...

Conversations in person or over the phone - I get ignored or the other person decides to talk to someone else.

Meetings where it seems when I open my mouth I come off evidently as a complete imbecile. I've seen those looks before. Let's face it, if you've ever seen me at the office, it's easy to see why I'm an object of ridicule. Even I would laugh or scoff at me walking.

I can't help but be left with the impression I'm not very well respected or liked; just useful when needed and nothing more.

This occurs with people who I consider, and even they consider themselves to be my friends and family.

I get the impression at times that I'm not too very well thought of beyond being able to minimally complete my work and nothing more. I get a similar impression at home, in that at times it seems as though I'm just a paycheck and a presence to ensure that paycheck comes home. Vital signs? Check. Got through the front door? Check. Paycheck in the bank account? Check. Someone to watch over others to; to be the bad guy, to be the one who has to yell and scream in order to stop people from doing stupid things? Check.

It seems as though my only value to others is by occupying space and being nominally functional. Minimal value, the guy management remains committed to developing, the man that must be groomed and reduced to being pious and whipped and a gentleman who puts ladies first, who must it seems smile and bow and curtsey to others of higher level, stock, accomplishment, character just to get slivers of attention because things like respect, reward, growth, success, happiness ... no ... those aren't their problems. I've got to operate or perform at a level far beyond what I'm at.

I seem to not be allowed those things. I seem to be whiny or entitled or bitter should I ask for such things,  such that people must be tired of wanting to hear it.

Maybe they've lost patience with me.

Maybe they've given up.

Maybe they don't care enough.

Maybe it's not important.

Maybe they don't really know.

Maybe it's some combination of all of the above?

The thing is, it always seems as though it's me constantly cajoling people into wanting something from someone. It must come across as pretty pathetic or petty to most everyone around me.

What does it all mean? What can I do?

I don't really know.

It's a really sad frustrating thing to want to be more than I am, to really believe there's so much out there I can do if given the opportunity or the chance or be set up for once to actually be successful or happy. I've watched myself especially over the last year grow older and grow to really hate the person I see in the mirror because of it.

And who's to blame? Yes - me. It seems as though the only times in my life where what I do and who I am become important to people is when I leave or move on or move away.

I let all of this happen. At least I think I do.

I let people treat me this way.

I let people not understand how important something is to me.

I don't pay as much attention to things as I should.

I don't know nearly as much about many things as I should.

Instead I simply let all this anger and sadness and frustration build inside of me as I watch others - both people and entities I consider living pieces of shit - continue to thrive and fester like weeds or mutate their careers and pursuits into success and happiness and joy.

In essence, I've developed a life where I'm not really living for me, but for everyone else around me. So why should be surprised that it doesn't make me happy? After all, it's crazy to want and believe and think the same things over and over and expect that they'll magically get better.

Then I think back to the only times in my life when I've been really happy. When was that?

I was happy when I got good grades at school.

I was happy when I was liked and loved.

I was happy when I got rewards or treats for playing a piano piece well.

I was happy when I discovered chocolate.

I was happy when I got a toy I really liked.

I was happy when I scored a goal, or made a great save.

I was happy when people clapped for me because I sang something really well.

I was happy when a girl I liked held my hand and kissed me.

I was happy when I plugged my first electric guitar into an amp.

I was happy when I discovered a power chord.

I was happy when I learned I could come up with great guitar riffs.

I was happy when I wrote a rock song. I was even more happier when I realized I could write whole rock albums.

I was happy when I was in love with someone who really loved me back.

I was happy to know I could make someone feel really good by simply touching them.

I was happy to be center of someone's world and they weren't a child.

I was happy when showing musicians a song I wrote and they were eager to learn it and play it.

I was happy when my work resulted in the right decisions being made, and the wrong things not getting to the customer.

I was happy when that was recognized and rewarded with a permanent job.

I was happy when I was recognized for being valuable and doing important things and rewarded with pay raise.

I was happy when I wrote something down about something that interested me and was able to see it back at me. That meant to me that it wasn't just something in my head  - it exists and it became something one step closer to be real.

I was happy when I said something smart to someone and they were able to take that and do something positive with it.

I was happy to be a parent - for a few brief moments.

Looking back at that list, it seems like quite a lot. A lot more than I guess I expected. Maybe that's my answer to solving my issues - determine what it is today and tomorrow that will make me happy and figure out a plan to getting there. And then moving in that direction.

I thought to some degree I was doing that all along. Obviously not. But it's perhaps a reminder of what I can be, what I want to be, and what I need to do- they are all one in the same ...