It seems at times I never want to grow up.

No, I don't mean like in a moronic arrested development bullshit thing.

I mean that for much of my life, I loathed holidays like Christmas, and Thanksgiving and so on. In this day and age I despise them because they are inherently a reminder that human society has yet to shed it's religious and racist pasts (all this good will towards men, and feeding the pilgrims was just bullshit) - but really I've had different reasons for disliking holidays.

I think for me, holidays are a reminder that your time away is that just that- time away from work. At some point, you have to go back to school or work or a job. You know, the shit you have to wipe off some person or some system's rear end to pay the bills and survive, or back to a classroom and homework.

So - what is it about those things that I despise?

I really hate morons and idiots (apart from myself). And more so, I hate people like this who end up in positions of authority or worse still, are successful and promoted or considered valuable. I hate cliques and groups that continually exclude people because of the way they look, or talk, or act or dress.

I saw a lot all this in school in my my work career. And the fact is, if I had a real choice in life, I'd be doing something that makes me happy that doesn't involve having to deal with people like this on a regular basis. Or, at least if I had to, I could deal with them on my own terms - using facts, logic and a clock to restrict the time only to what needed to be communicated, and nothing more.

I think that's why I like Saturdays. My goal in life is to make every day a Saturday - one where I can walk up and not have a plan for the day, and I can gather up my family and friends and do something great or neat, or just hang out and relax, or write or jam on a new song or create something new.

Or better still, teach the human race (starting with myself) to no longer hate, no longer destroy, no longer be so mean so vile, so corrupt.

And even, meet new people, talk with them, walk with them, get to know them, help them with their problems and so on.

And of course, lots of sex, exercise, guitar playing, and good food.

And ... in my dream life, I have perfect hair, a smooth hairless strong physique, and rather than being an object of desire, rather seen as a man of respect, kindness, courage, honesty and integrity.

Maybe I am a simpleton. Maybe I am a child. I wonder sometimes if it's a coincidence that this feeling and when it started dovetailed with around the time I started to believe that achieving success meant happiness. While I've since began to re-visit this notion, there's a part of me that still believes there's some truth to this notion. Success is about being acknowledged and recognize for one's accomplishments - typically something good that could be shared. For me that kind of recognition is something I've rarely ever gotten, except in myself documenting it in my next resume. But I think on some level I've revisited this idea - success rather should be a by-product of doing something that makes you happy.