Where it seems as though everyone is looking at you as if you just shit all over their things?
Where it seems as if you speak, and people are standing or sitting around looking at you, but they aren't really listening? More like just patiently waiting for you to shut up so they can then tell you you're wrong and repeat back what you've said so others can tell them they're right?
Or better still, how about when you're talking to someone about something important, and suddenly two people come up and interrupt what you're saying to this person, just so they can ask questions (to the person you're talking to) regarding their trip to Europe or wherever the fuck they and their spouse is flying to, this time. They do this knowing who you are, who you work for, what you do, and they do it anyways because you don't really exist in their mind or world, or rather, you're not really important enough to be polite to?
Do you ever find yourself forced into attending meetings with superiors only to hear about their house, or some holiday trip to the islands, or some boating excursion, or how others in the group are set up to be successful? It's almost as if you're just a placeholder in their lives for them to bloviate or pontificate, because if they were to do this by themselves, they'd realize they were crazy?
Do you ever find yourself forever the person being put on hold, seen as rude if you do the same?
Do you ever find somehow all the stupid people on the bus all seem to know each other, and all look at you the same, as if you're the stupid idiot?
Do you ever find yourself wondering why you're last in your own life, why you constantly are putting other people's needs and feelings and wishes over your own?
Do you ever observe other people you know treating people like shit, but when you get upset, you're the jerk, and not them?
Do you ever find yourself always to be the one waiting for others, but never them really waiting for you? They start things without you because they can't wait, or you'll catch up, or it's alright if it's a little cold, or well he's not around, let's enjoy!
Do you ever wonder why you allow people of all ages and sizes to walk all over you each and every day, and you stand in front of the mirror on every one of those days and ask yourself why you allow them to do so, and what are you going to do about it?
Do you ever get tired of watching others spend your money and your hard-earned on things that will be thrown away, discarded, destroyed, wasted, but if you were to so the same, you'd be quite a pig?
Well ... I've had days like that. In fact I've had far too many the last little while.
Maybe I'm conditioned to accept it all. But if so, why do I continually question it? Why does that not seem acceptable?
Perhaps because I'd like to think I'm a fairly reasonable man, and that not of any of this seems remotely fair or reasonable or even worth tolerating.
Then you find your then asking - Well, what can you do about it?
I have lots of ideas. I'm not joking, I have tons of ideas.
But I think what I lack is real focus. Or rather, I have difficulty taking an idea to completion and making it a reality.
That could be the case. Writing a book, a song, a story, a business plan ... somehow I want to do it all, and never complete any of it.
Now it's possible this could all be perceived as a mid-life crisis. On the other hand, what does it mean if you've felt this way pretty much your entire life?
Seriously, my whole life - I've always known what I want to do - simply be happy. And yet despite everything I've done - and not done - here I am and no where near attaining that happiness and retaining it.
Oh yes, purusing it is great - and like they say, as long as you're chasing it, you're never licked.
But at some point you (well really I) need to face the fact that somehow I'm off the path. Or that the path I'm on isn't leading me where I want to go. Or I'm being held back from heading there. Or I'm not moving at any noticeable speed.
What is the answer?
Do I just retreat back into the idiocy that exists in my life? Do I return to the distractions I use to avoid facing my own unhappiness? Do I continue to say to myself, tomorrow I'll look at that, tomorrow I'll work on that some more, and so on?
Do I resume the arguing and fighting over things with people who don't really care, or if they do, they do so because they like seeing you mad, or because they think that's the only way you live, or they live?
I could take a contrarian approach and rather than pursue happiness, perhaps I should try and rid myself of as much unhappiness as I have. While there is some merit to that, a part me wonders if I'll then just find something new to be unhappy about.
Or I could just revel in watching other people, other companies crash and burn, suffer the consequences of their fate, and so on?
Somehow I think, while those things may have value, it's really limited at best. None of those things really bring me closer to happiness. It'd be like being on the happy path, and clearing away all the shit and stupidity off the roads and off to the sides. Yeah nice, but I'm not moving down the path, nor am I really getting where I want to go.
John Lennon once said that when asked by his teachers what he wanted to be when he grew up in life, he said that he wanted to be happy. And that when his teachers told him he didn't understand the question, he responded that they didn't understand life.
How I truly understand how he felt.
I think, the answer for me - is to decide what are the things that would make me happy in life. So first, list them out.
- Good health and looking good
- To be loved and respected by my family and friends, as I try to be with them
- Lotsa money - true financial security
- Lotsa sex
- Creating and performing my music
- Creating seeing my stories, films come to life
- Making my ideas in various areas come to reality
- End global warming
- End hatred, misery, starvation and suffering on the planet for all people
Now the next step is to catalog all my ideas and plans along these areas.
To be continued ...
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