2025: End Of Year Thoughts.

Well, if I had any qualms about what 2025 would be like, they went out the door fairly fast.

This was one year I wasn't ready for.

Perhaps ironically, it drove me to start this post earlier than normal.

However rather than doing things as I usually do, I'm going to approach this in different way. Just write out a few thoughts and leave it at that.

If I had to choose a word that best described 2025 for me - it's LOSS.

Lots of things and people came and went in 2025.

Loss of famous musicians. It's weird to think that bands like Black Sabbath and KISS will never ever be now. I guess that's a part of life, but even then it's hard to fathom. 

In many ways for me however, it all starts at work. The loss of so many friends and colleagues over the course of several months, hit me really hard.

This isn't to say or suggest that I worship either the people I work with or my employer. But aside from family, it's the longest I've ever been in one place. So when you get to know a lot of people over a fairly long period of time, and many of the people exit - it can really do a number on you.

Getting up and going to work (that's a whole other story) isn't the same.

Walking through the front door and sitting at a desk isn't the same.

Focusing on your job and missing critical people who help you in your job isn't the same.

In so many ways I've known that a job is a job, and to an employer, that's all one is. But due to all the layoffs, I really feel it more. And based on the reasons for hit happening, I know that it's really only a matter of time before it happens to me as well.  

Along with this, came an apparent loss of respect. By this I mean that I finally know now that I'm truly not very highly regarded or respected by anyone at work - rather I'm only tolerated because of the group I'm in, and that this role wasn't one worth considered transitioning over to a service provider. This is a reminder to me (like it or not) that I have to come to terms with the idea that I really need to make the transition out. There are really only three possibilities -

• Transition to a new role internally
• Transition to a new role externally
• Transition to a new vocation completely

Yeah, good luck on any of those in this environment of endless job losses.We'll see where that goes.

Then there's the loss of people around the world.

The ongoing genocide of brown people largely by white people (i.e.Israel's genocide crimes against the Palestinians) is a reminder to me to that we as a species are heading down a path with no return. If we collectively cannot stop one group of people from destroying a whole other group of people (and recognize that the underlying system that allows this - neo-liberal US Crapitalism -is the source of many other ills in the world, including colonialism, imperialism, fascism, etc) - then how to we stand any chance of stopping the largest threat to all of us - climate change?

I did make some progress music-wise. 

Actually completed writing 10 new songs this year. I wrote an additional few extra songs, with many more ideas (chord progressions, riffs, lyrics, melodies) lined up. The thing is, this all came at a loss - I HAD to focus on this because I lost my main equipment for writing and arranging. And to make things worse,  the replacements for them won't be arriving any time soon.

One good thing I did get out of all this, was I was finally able to finalize on a way or recording that actually will meet my basic goals.

It's funny how losing a critical piece of technology actually forced me to adapt and use older and less pristine equipment; such that I was able to be both creative and productive.

Lastly, there has been the loss of trust.

It took me long enough to realize that there are some people in my life that are consciously and actively looking to sabotage my goals and wishes - by any means necessary. Often times it comes in the form of sowing doubt in me, or simply telling me what I want to do is a waste of time. In other cases, it's about stony silence and lack of engagement.

The discovery of all this has been painful for me in many ways. It's a tough thing to realize that I'm regarded and treated as nothing more than a living paycheck; who gets up early to avoid traffic, work early and late and weekends (the latter of which I think, was one of the reason I am still employed), only to hand all that over in a paycheck to be spent into nothingness with no care in the world. And then to be otherwise marginalized, or simply not taken into consideration. It's even worse when one's ideas and thoughts and wishes are dismissed, derailed, de-emphasized, or simply ignored altogether.

But ... what I have learned throughout all this is ... that none of this will sidetrack me on what I want to do - why?

1. My happiness if something I can achieve - I don't need to find that elsewhere. And I certainly don't need to find it in others.
2. Don't take things personally and emotionally from others - even if (and especially even if) that's how it's intended.  

All that bullshit and drams is just that - bullshit and drama designed to distract and deflect and prolong and project others' and their unhappiness and inadequacies onto me. And that it truly is up to me to move forward. In this regard, the seeds of that plan are slowing being planted now. Now it's time to be patient, stay focused on delivering on the day-to-day things, and being polite and professional.

When those seeds begin to sprout, it's up to me to nurture them,and make it grow. None of what these people do will hold me back from my happiness. And now that I know who and what they are - I won't let them.

Prologue

Well I said I'd do something different, and here it is. This whole year, loss has been a theme; and with that comes sadness. I think of sadness as our way of coping with loss, as a means of finding a way forward on our own. I spent a lot of time on the road and by myself. One positive output of this, was listening to lots of different kinds of music. This one particular song really touched me, because it contains many elements of the way I'm looking to make music in the future. But as well, emotionally, the tone, the notes, the scale, the instruments (heck the basic chord progression) really helped me cope and continues to do so.

So I'm posting it here - perhaps if you are experiencing loss, it can do for you what it has for me.