I really don't have a lot to say on the subject.
I mean really - what the fuck could I say that would have any impact on anyone? I'm not a philosopher, and I don't think this site generates nearly the amount of attention I'd like.
I suppose I could go around saying "JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST!" about 10 billions times, and still no one out there would really respond, let alone react. If anything, it might attract a bunch of religious nutcases to comment in a mean and nasty way (as if religious nutcases would comment in a polite way).
On the other hand, maybe I'm not 'monitizing' the site very well.
In all honesty, I'm actually quite frustrated. I consider myself a decently intelligent human being, and yet, it's very hard to get people to actually listen to what I say. It's even harder to actually get people to do what I suggest.
It almost seems like a sense of powerlessness.
To illustrate -
Recently I walked into the office and had some issues with the latest software build. I suggested to one of the developers that perhaps I should run some script as a workaround. I was told no, that's not necessary, it should all work, you don't know anything, you're an idiot (okay, maybe the person didn't actually say that last bit; but sometimes I wonder if people think it). Anyways, to make a long story short, I spent the whole fucking day trying to get something to work and it didn't.
And guess what happened? No, really .... guess?
Before I left, the developer ran that script, unblocked everything, and is now probably being hailed a great hero for moving the stupid bottom feeder forward.
And yet, I kept thinking to myself as I was heading home - didn't I suggest that earlier in the morning? Why doesn't anyone listen to me when I have something useful to say? This is not an original moment in my career, I've had similar moments like this before.
It's that sense of powerlessness - the inability to get anyone around me to listen and do as I suggest. Where does it come from? Am I really that stupid-sounding? Is what I say dumb? It certainly feels that way at times, especially around more 'technically-minded' or 'experienced' people in the industry. And I do tend to stutter, so what comes out of my mouth can sound pretty stupid at times.
And as you see, I can ramble on for quite some time, and it's barely coherent.
I used to think it was something in my face (it is rather big). I used to think it was the color of my skin, the length of my hair, did I shower that day, how assertive I am, etc. Or maybe it's some combination of those things - that leads people to perhaps enjoy telling me off, or put me in my place, so-to-speak.
Perhaps it's those things.
Or ... perhaps it's that I lack any authority in what I do, that causes people to not take what I say seriously?
I find I have similar problems in pursuing happiness. At times (okay pretty much all the time) I feel like I'm tied down by responsibilites. Being a husband, a provider, a father - those things I don't consider jobs. They are responsibilities which I take seriously. But does it make me happy? On some level it can I suppose, though I don't really see it now. Oh sure, it'd be nice to have my wife and kids be able to pursue their dreams, and I'd be happy that fufilling my responsibilities to them helps them get there.
But the fact is, it's hardly really happy to me. Is that selfish to say? Is it really? Hardly - it leaves no time for me to pursue my dreams and goals. I have so many ideas going through my head, it's a challenge just to capture just 1% of them.
Maybe my trouble is time - there aren't enough hours in the day. There could be some credence to this, as I'm writing all this while the whole family is asleep. But I figure having *more* time would only end up with trying to conduct more responsibilities.
Throughout all this, I remind myself that I'm no deity. Life is pretty finite, just like time. One the moment passes, it's gone.
Then it occurs to me - maybe the reason I'm unhappy, maybe the reason I feel so powerless in my own life, is that I allow things to happen. I spend so much time trying to control what others do, that I forget to stop and look at myself and figure out what's best for me.
Happiness may result from actions I take (or undertake) but it has to start within me perhaps. Maybe it happiness really is a state of mind. I may not control what others do, or what could happen next, but I can influence what I think, how I react, and how that maps up to where I want to go. That is, I should never lose sight of what it is that makes me happy and always know that as long as I'm thinking about it, as long as I'm planning it, as long as I write it down, as long as I talk about it (even to myself), I can be a little more happier than the day before.
And maybe ... just maybe ... I'm closer to finding what makes me happy. Because I figure the moment when I stop trying, stop thinking, stop dreaming, stop putting down ideas, stop making plans, stop talking, then I really am powerless - because I chose to let it all go.
So there ... perhaps the key to this life is figuring out what makes one happy - and spend the days going after it.
Because as long as I'm pursuing happiness and my dreams - there's always a chance I'll get there.
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