Youth of folly

So today I attended a family event where we were all outdoors. It was a kid's event with other families.

A nice sunny windy spring day. One of the people clicked a ton of photos, linked them up to Facebook and tagged me in a bunch.

I then promptly saw them. I promptly removed all the tags. Removing the tags gave the the temporary feeling that I could believe I controlled how others see me. Then I realized that the pictures are still out there.

I have been depressed ever since.

It seems I've reached the point in my physical existence where no matter how much I try to deny it, I'm simply no longer as young and as appealing than I believed. Not that I believed I was really all that good-looking to begin with. But at least I thought I wasn't ugly and so forth.

Yeah I truly loathe getting old.

And no, don't give me any of that 'young-at-heart' shit. I've become a dad - heck I'm starting to look my my dad, except without the mustache. Hair falling out in all the wrong places, hair growing in all the wrong places, struggling to suck it in, stay as strong as I once was.

Being able to have a thick head of hair survive any kind of weather, being able to stand or pose in just about any way I wish without looking stupid or fat or so forth. Being so thin and studly, oh no not anymore.

What happened? Things weren't this bad five years ago? And on that subject, how did I become so vain?

Was it diet? Was it genetics? Was it the kids? Was it the lack of sleep? Was it the lack of fufillment in my career, my music, my goals, my dreams? All of those things? Something else? Some combination perhaps?


It's one of those days where I wish I could just shave my head, put on a baseball cap, move to some other part of the world, and begin life as someone else - Mr. I'm-not-me-anymore.


It seems I've also come to the sad realization that I can no longer control how I want to look to others. Everyone around me sees me as I have tried for so long not to see myself. And I've come to an even more depressing realization, they've seen me turn into this all this time, while I remained ignorant and blind to it.

No wonder people laugh at me everywhere I go. No wonder they don't take me seriously at work. I look really stupid. The whole day my son kept saying "Dad, don't be a fool." Likely he's known too all this time, and he's not even four years old.

Perhaps I knew that already. But for the longest time, I clung to the messed up notion that if I look at myself a certain way in the mirror everyday (and no other way) I still look good. That is, good enough to be fairly happy or content to face the world. This leads me to believe that it really isn't about actually looking good at all, but rather being confident in how I carry myself in that world. Even when I'd see not so flattering pictures of myself, I'd chalk it up to bad lighting, I'm standing the wrong way, no need to see the back of my head, no need to take a shot of my head, my top, my bottom, my middle, my attitude, my .. well you get the idea. Then laziness set in, and I comfortably settled back into my delusional thinking that how I see myself is how everyone sees me.

No. Reality and the Internet have finally crashed that. I've been confronted with how others see me. No wonder so many people laugh.

What do I do? Do I try to continue to live in my delusion that everyday, if I comb it right, if I suck it in, if I dream about another idea, then maybe I'll continue to feel happy about the way I look? I have to admit, being delusional has its charm and conveinience.

The problem is, it's going to become gradually harder and harder to maintain that illusion each day.

Of course, conventional wisdom says I should just accept who I am, or better still, come to terms with it. I could just shave my head, grow a goatee, yeah! Change - it'll do me good once I'm past all that ...

... yeah nothing says mid-life crisis more that changing my appearance.

Maybe I could just get a wig, or paint my scalp black, or wear extentions ... yeah ...

The thing is, I really take issue with this whole acceptance thing. There's nothing you can do, accept it. Well, how do you accept something you truly hate - the way you look?

I've always felt that when kids dislike the way they look, telling them to accept it is like trying to mix oil and water. It just won't work. It's really hard to avoid looking at yourself, and it becomes even more tougher to deal with it when you don't like what you see. How you can accept something you hate?

I always felt a better thing for that someone to do is confront what it is someone doesn't like about themselves, ask themselves what do they want to look like if they could. Then figure out if that's realistic. If it is, then ask, are you willing to make the committment to change, and accept the costs and the consequences? If so, then draw up a plan to get there and then make it happen. If not, then try and find something more closer to reality one can live with. Not knee-jerk acceptance, but not living in a delusion either.

Up till today I thought it should be that easy to tell someone in that situation just that. And yet, here I am in that situation. Why can't I move forward?

Probably because in addition to hating the way I look, I'm also truly afraid to really see myself. Maybe I'll cry. Maybe I'll become a total grump. I think it's the fear more than the hate that stops me from figuring this out.

I'd like to think the answer will just come right out. I have to grow up out of my delusion, before I can really face reality. In that sense, my delusion was rather naive and youthful.

But no, this is going to take some time to figure out.

In the meantime, back to my delusion. There is no Internet. I'll be 25 forever.

-- CV

Busy Bunny Ass

This was sent to me from a reader -

I knew Playboy was in trouble, but I never though playmates were that cheap.

America and its military - what does the future hold?

Tomgram: William Astore, You Have No Say About Your Military

(Also via Huffington Post - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/william-astore/the-pentagon-church-milit_b_504110.html)

"Let’s face it, all of this represents a long-term sea change in American consciousness. Sadly, the old idea of the citizen army is dead, and because of this, most of us lack any direct connection to the military (and seemingly could care less). In the name of safety, security, and solidarity, we’ve buttoned our lips. We worship, but don’t partake.

Centuries from now, historians will look back on American history and wonder how so many gave away so much to so few. It should be our right to have a say in what defines the “defense” of our country. That right has been surrendered to the few. Our future may depend on genuine input from the many. "

It seems as though over the last 50 years, few if any have truly heeded the warning from Eisenhower.

Any kind of resolution to a problem involves debate, which consists of discussion and even dissension.
A public debate is the lifeblood of any democracy.
Without them, democracy does not exist.


History will determine whether Americans will figure that out in time.

The demise of the Hummer.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/01/hummer-discontinuation-ig_n_480763.html

Fucking duh.

That both states the reaction to 1) summerizing the obvious on a failed product, plus 2) a statement on what essentially a scam being perpetrated on the less intelligent in American society.

To this very day and beyond, I cringe every time I see one of these monstrosities on the highway.

Massive icebergs drift from Antarctic coast.

http://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2010/02/26/tech-iceberg-antarctica.html


I'm not sure what is more painful to read - the article ("An iceberg about the size of Luxembourg ..."), or the sheer number of commenters who continue to ignorantly still believe there is no such thing as global warming, or that it could have devastating impacts on the world for years to come.

Bigoted bus drivers

Bus Drivers.

Is it just me - am I the only one who find them a strange lot?

Where I live, I find (in general) most of the bus drivers I encounter to be -

• overweight or fat
• dangerous drivers
• never miss an opportunity to miss a traffic light
• are almost never on time

And in some cases, usually pretty bigoted and sexist too. Where does this come from?

Well ... I've noticed whenever I'm at the front of a bus line, many drivers seem to go out of their way to stop for person behind me, almost always if person is white, and/or female (I happen to be neither).

Chivalry is what I'm sure most of them would say if I called them on it. I call it discrimination. No one ever stops for me if I'm not at the front of the line, why?

Of course I can't call them on it. I'd likely be accused of being stocking or something and likely get kicked off, or banned altogether. Granted it wouldn't be so bad if some of those passengers didn't act like cunts and just walk in ahead of me.

What gives these drivers the right to act as they please? It's simple - because they can.

In listening to some of these drivers chatting with other passengers (most never really talk to me), I find many of them to be uneducated and moronic at best. Treating people like shit and being allowed to essentially get away with it is really just a form of power that they can exert on people like me, because they know people like me won't really complain - except perhaps on one's blog.

I'm perhaps used to this. Maybe I've even learned to accept it. Except...

... Except that I know a son of mine who is the same skin tone and will likely experience the same treatment down the road from these same drivers (and their children perhaps). It's simply a matter of exposing these idiots and finding a means of holding them accountable for their actions. And perhaps then we'll really see how liberal this town would really be.

The world is made of high fructose corn syrup ...

... and we just live in it.

Or at least, that's the conclusion I came to the other day.

There was I - being all smug with myself. My mother-in-law had come home with some snacks for the kids, that turned out contained HFCS. I felt rather full of myself in the belief that I'm very careful about such things, I always check the labels before I buy anything at the grocery store, blah blah blah, blah ....

... until a few day after when I tossed a can of kidney beans into the cart with no thought or care. Only to discover when we got home that the canned kidney beans I tossed in were packed in high fructose corn syrup!

What a fucking maroon! I'm sure my mother-in-law has a recipe for humble pie she's dying to serve me.

I understand grocery chains pretending to claim they are looking out for our health and all that claptrap. But really Safeway, must you fuck up a canned vegetable like that?

P.S. Now I check every label.